Questions about dating courtship and marriage
Ask Questions Before Entering a Courtship Relationship. Following are Are there any reasons why I should not pursue courtship and marriage to this person ? Do you both have good relationships with your parents and siblings? Do you . If, during the courtship, one or both parties realize that marriage is not God's will Dating tries to answer the question, How can I find the one who will make me. Dating Courtship Questions In courtship, as in life, you must make the best choices of what you feel is right for you, and who you will want to.
504 thoughts on “The Pre-Courtship Questionnaire” VIDEO5 Questions That You Should Ask Before Committing To A Relationship
I was 19 when I met my husband, and we were married a year later. We have a beautiful relationship and marriage, and I am so blessed to have met him when I did. We actually never had anyone chaperoning our courting dating in hopes of marriage would be the better term, as that is what we were really doing , and I was a very confused, sad and emotionally struggling young lady who looked up to this new man for help and kindness, which he gave me. If I find my own son if I am blessed with a son in future in the same place my husband was, what advice would you give?
They are only a very small beginning in a long process of real life examination and growth. That means they need to be in real-life situations, with real stresses and irritations. One family I know recommended taking the potential suitor on a family vacation with all the little siblings. Again, there is no way we can fool-proof our lives from deceptive or dishonest people. However, we can trust God.
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As we use wisdom and discretion, taking our jobs as parents seriously, we can trust that God will protect us and our children.
A list of questions are no guarantee, but they are a start. Hearts should be guarded during this time of discovery and friendship. Again, if it is determined that the couple is not a good match, it should still be considered a successful courtship. A solid, godly marriage for our children is the goal. Is he an unbeliever? Is he addicted to pornography? Has he shown a tendency to be dishonest? Is he unwilling to respect or submit to authority? Has he given us reason to believe he may be abusive? This could keep their daughter from ever having the opportunity to marry a man and train up godly seed for the Lord.
Ultimately, the man a daughter marries, needs to be the man the daughter wants to marry. But, at the same time, a daughter is wise to heed the counsel and direction of her parents. When a father has won the trust of his daughter, she will be glad for his guidance — and it will be a blessing to everyone involved. Every situation is unique.
Praise the Lord He placed a godly man in your path who was honorable and seeking marriage! I know of one man who is now nearly 50 who courted his wife years ago, at his request. The couple married and now has 8 children 3 are grown. So it is possible for the young man to believe in courtship, while the girl and her family are unfamiliar with it, but willing. These are some very interesting and thought provoking questions. I had to copy them into my Word file so I could read them more in depth. I just had one simple question. Obviously, there are many questions here to be answered.
I was wondering how the father goes about asking these questions to a potential suitor for his daughter? Does the father ask the questions over a period of time during the courtship, or is he asking them all at once? Stacy, this list of questions is such an encouragement to me. While my parents were not familiar with courtship, God had given me a vision of asking these type of questions to the young men who were interested in dating me in college. This was not a vision I had in HS or the beginning of my freshman yr. God had protected my heart, because no young man asked me out until I had that list and the vision of asking questions.
When I did, the calls came. When a young man called, I simply started by asking if he was a Christian and when did he repent and believe. Surprisingly, 4 of the 5 calls I received that year, ended after I asked that question. God kept my heart very guarded during this time. My husband and I got to know each other through our church.
We were just friends, and I began asking him my questions as we would spend time together. He actually said that is when he went from noticing I was attractive, to really wanting to get to know me to marry me. Yet, he did not ask me out until I had most of my beginning questions answered. When he did ask me for a date, my mom asked me if he was a man worthy of marrying me. I knew he was. We were engaged shortly after. In full disclosure, we did kiss when we got engaged. That made it a very long year and I would not recommend that for our children!! God can still guard hearts and beautiful, God-fearing, God-glorifying marriages can still come about in a God honoring way!!
Thank you, to you and your husband for sharing this comprehensive list of questions and for an excellent post about courtship. As a teen, there were very few dating restrictions for me in our household. I dated several boys and engaged in physical activity that is inappropriate outside of marriage. I became a follower of Christ almost 8 years ago, married a wonderful man 9 years ago who is a terrific father to our 12 year old daughter and our nearly 7 year old son. I am blessed to be a stay at home mother and our children attend public school.
All this said, we are committed to raising children who love and serve the Lord and we are committed to following the courtship model for when our children reach a certain age, which has yet to be determined. My daughter is entering middle school this fall and despite how we are raising our children, I know she will be exposed to many new things, including teen dating and dances at school.
In my heart I believe that to allow our daughter to attend these functions we would be committing treason against our beliefs about courtship, not to mention our desire to protect her heart. Perhaps chaperoning events like dances would be a possible solution? I see how this is rather specific, and may be a bit off subject, but I would love to hear your opinion about this matter and whether or not you feel it would be going against our plans for courtship.
I am curious to your answers to these questions personally as well as if you would provide them to the potential suitor since you are digging so personally into their own lives. I would not provide the answers to you. Her heart is more important than any one of these questions. Those are some very interesting questions, not ones I would have thought of? Church attendance and involvement is a given.
We have found that any young man can answer questions and seem as if he is telling you your daughter the truth. It is important that a young lady ponder what life would be like married to a pastor, doctor, construction worker, ect. They, young people, change a lot. As well as how to test someone Any one can lie their way through a barrage of questions, look at the IRS. God Bless and protect you and your family.
And to dredge up any perhaps painful family baggage of mental illness?? Again, there are no wrong answers. The questions are intended for full disclosure and discussion. It is better to know these things up front, so everyone you can make an informed decision. There is no magic age. Different men mature at different rates. I think some of these questions are way to personal to ask… I would not like my father asking them to my boyfriend… Well, at least some of them, like if he has kissed someone else or done anything physical and to explain the situation… My boyfriend picked me to be his best friend, not my father….
I do think these questions are good to talk about as a couple though! Thank you for posting these questions and all of your explanations. Our oldest son was in a courtship with a girl long distance since he is in the Navy. We all thought things were progressing fairly well even though her father chose to not be actively involved, but she abrubtly cut everything off last December, and it was four months later that we found out why. Since this was our first courtship experience, and being long distance from both the girl and our son, we learned much.
We spent some months praying for her and scratching our heads about why she had cut off the relationship, and were glad that she is getting married. Our son guarded his heart, and we felt it was a sucessful courtship. The truth is easier to take than no communication. My son had felt the girl held herself in reserve and did not reciprocate, so it was easy for him to guard his heart. I am thankful for the godly information out there for those of us who desire help as we prayerfully guide our children to the marriage alter. There is a young man interested in one of our daughters.
He understood that certain questions on that list are reserved for later, and some are appropriate for now. He has other questions he has added. I agree that the list is a great reference, and is a place to start. What happens if your daughter chooses a man without your approval? Do you disown her? How old is a girl when her potential mate is being vetted for her — 18?
This is kind of sad — denying your kid a chance to go out and experience the world and fall in love with the person of their choosing. I get that you are trying to avoid unnecessary heartache, but your children are human beings independent from you. No, what is sad is shoving her out into the world with the ridiculous notion that recreational dating is a good way to find a godly husband. I suggest you reread the post. Stacy, you do realize that there are other methods of two people coming together in relationships that lead to Christ-centered marriage other than courtship and recreational dating, right?
I have known many couples who have entered into godly marriages without having courted my husband and I are an example. The goal is to see our sons and daughters enter into the covenant of marriage prepared, chaste, and with a healthy understanding and knowledge of who they are marrying. I am willing to say that there are way of finding a godly spouse outside of courtship. We have a daughter who is in a courtship right now.
We have two daughters who have entered into happy healthy marriages through courtship. Can you at least acknowledge that this is a good way to pursue a spouse, though not the only way? It seems you are being very condemning of my beliefs, Lewis, without any clear reason. I wonder what you would call that if I made the same sweeping judgments against yours. By the way, Lewis, I understand that you have accused us of legalism elsewhere on the Internet.
I find your hypocrisy interesting. You are accusing us of legalism while giving us an extra biblical law. You have implied by your statements that practicing courtship is sin. Though Scripture does not forbid courtship, you have made a new law for me. Men have elevated courtship to biblical command levels, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.
I respect your right to have and practice your own beliefs, Stacy, I would guess far more than you respect the right of a homosexual to be homosexual, a feminist to be feminist, or a liberal to be a liberal. We grew up in a world where dating numerous different people, sometimes at the same time, was part of growing up. The goal is to see our children enter into the covenant of marriage chaste and prepared. To liken courtship to murder and thievery is nonsensical. It is an abomination before God. Are you saying you believe courtship is an abomination before God? I did not approve your last comment.
It is obvious that you have no intention of being respectful or charitable. You came to my blog for the purpose of insulting our beliefs. We are not patrio-centric. The father is not the center of the home — Jesus is. Your insistence otherwise reveals your intent. Your egalitarian position understandably conflicts with ours Eph. Please take your vitriol elsewhere. I read the questionaire and find most questions appropiate. Some of them, I think fall into the realm of what should be private and personal, only for the couple to decide on their own, for instance the question about the number of children or about birth control.
I think that we parents should not interfere in this. Would you reject a possible suitor if he had a different view than you in this? What about the doctrinal issues? Would you turn down a young man who grew up in a baptist church? Who is OK with age segreation in the church, etc.? While some of the courtship questions may seem intrusive, it is important to remember the purpose for them.
While birth control may not seem like a big deal to some Christians. To others it is a matter of strong conviction. That is the point. For instance, some Christian families do not believe in celebrating Christmas. Our family does celebrate, and most of our children feel strongly about it. It would be good for her to make a decision on whether or not she thinks she could live with that for her and her future children before entering into a relationship. And, no, we would not automatically turn down a a man who grew up in a baptist church or who is ok with age segregation, but it would certainly be cause for deeper conversation.
We have had 2 daughters get married through courtship and have Godly husbands and precious children. However, our son entered into a courtship with a girl from our church. He had watched how we had done it and was looking for the same thing but got nothing. He was approved to pursue their daughter but then they turned around and kept making more rules and making it more difficult for him at every turn.
After a year and half when he had asked to marry her several times but was always told not yet, her father broke off the relationship. She and my son were devastated. I am so glad my son did not end up marrying her but he has not yet recovered. He is very sensitive and quiet and caring and had given and was prepared to lay down his life for her. So even though it was successful in weeding out someone very inappropriate, it was beyond hurtful. Stacy, Thanks so much for sharing here on your blog.
I appreciate how open you and your husband are. First, did you let your daughters have some input into the questions, or if not input, let you know which ones carried more weight for her? Second, I know your husband values your opinion very much. Did he give you a chance to review and recommend changes to the questions before he started using them? Would it make any difference whether she was 20 y.
I do know one couple from India whose marriage was arranged, but they did exchange pictures and e-mails and met a couple of times before marriage. They have a happy marriage. They were actually both in the U. Yes, our daughters not only gave input, they also helped write some of the questions. In addition, our sons in law also added to the questions, taking into consideration things they thought were important to know.
As far as the questions regarding serious physical or mental illness, we have never had a young man tell us this was too personal; but, if he told us he felt uncomfortable discussing the topic with us at this stage, we would honor that. And, to clarify, the question is in there for our daughter , not for us. It would be totally up to her if she could live with whatever issues there were. As to your fourth question, I always hesitate in answering a hypothetical question like this.
There are so many factors involved. I realize it is probably difficult for most people today to have a concept of what our life looks like. In many ways it is foreign to the modern family. Usually, by the time a girl gets to marrying age she is so detached from the family, and from her parents that the idea of Mom and Dad having any sort of input into her life is just plain weird. Daughters have their own jobs, their own social sphere, their own boyfriends, and sometimes their own apartments.
We are very active in our church, and our daughters work alongside us ministering to others, socializing with other families, praying together, learning together, singing together, enjoying life together. Our children have been raised to see the wisdom and beauty of courtship. And to our children, courtship is normal. We have attended many wedding and know many families who have courted and married. This past May, after a beautiful courtship, our daughter, Tiffany was married to a godly young man. Our son is now 27; he was 15 when we began to believe that courtship was the best way for bringing two young people together for marriage.
We rejoice with them both and eagerly await their upcoming marriage. While I do not practice your beliefs in my own life, I do respect that you want what is best for your daughters. I wonder if after the suitor has proven himself acceptable to her father, does the daughter feel pressured to accept the courtship even if she does not feel an attraction to this person? It seems as if this is more of a business transaction…. If anything, I would think she should be able to ask him these questions herself and get to know him that way rather than having her father choose her husband.
We have two daughter married through courtship, and one in a courtship. I am NOT saying that physical attraction has no place in courtship. If there is no physical attraction at all, there could very well be problems later. He simply helps her to evaluate who she gets involved with before getting emotionally attached. Like I said, our daughters have written some of these questions themselves, and they also discuss the questions with the young men.
Thanks for the information, very interesting. I have a seventeen year old daughter that has had the same boyfriend for alittle over three years. When they started liking each other she was thirteen and he was sixteen. They say they plan to marry and have not shown interest in anyone else. I think using these questions with them would be a great idea.
Our young adult son may not be able to have children. In my completely unbiased opinion: Should he be upfront about it the very first time he talks to the father? This is something that my son and husband and I have discussed recently. However, because I do respect the way your family handles courtship, I would be very interested in knowing what you would advise your son to do.
I think if it were my son, I would struggle with that answer as well. Still, I do believe openness tends to always be the best option. My daughter and I were discussing today how difficult that information would be to share with potential suitors if it were us since it is a genetically inherited disease. I have to think it would be fear that would keep us from wanting to share this too soon. If there is such a thing. Then I go back to thoughts about your son.
What if he moves forward in a courtship without sharing that information. And what if he develops a strong emotional attachment for the girl — and then tells her about his medical condition. Do you see what I mean? Thank you so much, Stacy, for taking the time to respond. You raise some very excellent points. Openness about this right up is probably the best way to handle it. It is a rather difficult thing but, as you said at the end, God is Sovereign and if a young lady or her parents turn him down for that one thing, she would not be the young lady the Lord has for him.
When you come to the point where you both know it is God's will to marry then you are ready to make that commitment, that life long covenant together. A lot of people will say "that is crazy" and that "our society does not work this way," or "you are saying God is a matchmaker. Societies change but the Lord thy God does not. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He made the first match and marriage in the beginning and He still does for those who know Him and seek His will.
I think I have already given enough scripture to show that a Godly marriage is between a man and a woman, not two people of the same sex. Our society is trying to change that, too. God's Word does not change. He said what He meant and He means what He said. If the husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she will, only [provided that he too is] in the Lord. There are many more scriptures all leading to this: You were following the course and fashion of this world [were under the sway of the tendency of this present age], following the prince of the power of the air. We were then by nature children of [God's] wrath and heirs of [His] indignation, like the rest of mankind.
You will not get them saved. You can share the Gospel with them but the choice is theirs and God is the one who saves, not you. If they reject Christ why would you want to be with them? How can Light have fellowship with darkness? This truth is light does not rub off on darkness, darkness does rub off on light. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. What sharing, what communion, and what fellowship do you have with the unsaved? Ministry yes, but start a relationship? By the Word of God, no. As I said, the devil is evil not stupid. His plan, his attack, is to try to get you into unscriptural relationships. Dating - As it is thought of in the world today is not in the Word of God. That does not mean you can't meet with and get to know those of the opposite sex.
You can meet in places that no one can accuse you of wrong. You keep yourself pure and you protect the other person as well. You can advance the Kingdom of God together and that is a true way to really see what is in the other's heart. Courtship -You both have come to a place where you both agree that God has called you to be more than brother and sister. In other words, God has called you to be married. It is a time to work out all doubt. There is no middle ground.
You both know in your hearts that it is God's will. You are not getting married because you "feel" that you love each other. That is there, but you know it's much deeper than that. Are you willing to go through the dry, hard times when your feelings are not at all loving toward this person because you know God has called you to? Marriage - A life long covenant second only to the covenant you made with the Lord Jesus Christ.
If brought about by His Spirit, marriage will bring Him glory. What is God's will for me? How do you find out? By offering yourself up to Him and by prayer and seeking it. By doing what He has already showed you. Please feel free to contact us with any questions about this article. Scripture quotations taken from the Amplified Bible. Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 Nor cheats swindlers and thieves , nor greedy graspers, nor drunkards, nor foulmouthed revilers and slanderers, nor extortioners and robbers will inherit or have any share in the kingdom of God.
And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled kept undishonored ; for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous. But each has his own special gift from God, one of this kind and one of another. For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God 1 John 2: Children having sex with children and having more children is a common statement.
Other underlined links will open a new page, so close them to return. How concerned should I be about this? What factors should we consider before exchanging vows? Should we be concerned? See these brief research articles. Additional Questions for Courting Stepfamily Couples. Find suggestions, resources, and answers to all these questions and more in online Lesson 7 and the related YouTube videos in my Playlists 7a and 7b.
Most of the book applies to all couples. What co-parenting traits should I look for in a new partner? There are five related reasons. Are there any helpful guides for planning our wedding and honeymoon? Is that likely to improve if or when we live together? What should we do? Is that normal and OK? My partner seems ambivalent or opposed to that. Maybe , depending on many factors. If you don't see your question here, please ask! Many factors determine whether courting partners' differences over religious faith will be a major relationship and family stressor. Such differences are one of many values and loyalty conflicts your family will experience after commitment vows.
The real issue is how effectively you two can avoid or resolve values conflicts without violating your integrities and losing self respect. Do you have an effective strategy to do that yet? For more perspective, see these articles on religion and spirituality. Should we be concerned about this? As people age, some priorities change and they gradually lose some physical abilities. They're also more prone to health issues. The wider the age gap between mates, the more likely it is that they will encounter significant values differences - e.
It's also more likely that the older partner will die well before the younger mate, leaving her or him without a companion in old age. The real issue is not the age difference , It is how well you two can negotiate major values clashes and remain solidly committed. How effective is your strategy at doing this now? See this for more detail and options. In this Web site, the key resources are: My YouTube Playlist 4b links to 30 brief videos about courtship.
These videos supplement the articles in lesson 4. Compared to dating "the first time around. You probably live in the same society, with the same laws, customs, traditions, freedoms, and opportunities. You're older, which probably means your priorities and some values are different than your first courtship. You may or may not be more mature.
You partners each face the same basic three commitment choices: You each must balance dating with a web of other obligations, activities, and relationships. The odds are higher you two have bigger age, religion, education, and ethnic differences, which often implies more significant values conflicts. You're evaluating whether to form or join an alien multi-home stepfamily, not a "traditional" intact biofamily. Your odds of long-term success are probably lower without you both wanting to do self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 7 You each have friends, relatives, and supporters who will affect your courtship process and commitment decisions to some degree.
Your commitment ceremony and any honeymoon will be far more complex, risky, and more likely to create major values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Common errors uninformed decisions include See this quiz and self-improvement Lesson 7. Another common error is Excluding kids' other bioparents ex mates from full stepfamily membership. Their genes, needs, opinions, legal rights, finances, ancestry, actions, and values will affect your lives for decades, including nurturing any grandchildren.
Other common co-parent mistakes in courtship are They need time to learn, grieve, process, and adjust! Not bothering to learn or respect a potential stepkids' developmental and special adjustment needs , and b your related need to patiently build a co-parenting team to help fill those needs to nurture. This Website exists because in researching since , I've found no comprehensive source of valid, practical stepfamily information. My guidebook Stepfamily Courtship - How to make three right decisions Xlibris.
The sequel, Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily Xlibris.
What are your abput about a woman pursuing a man? Finally, review significant preferences that could be problematic to a marriage. What do you understand to be the Gospel? Each has its own merits, and marrizge misses the primary problems co-parents need to be aware of. Unfinished or blocked grieving of datint losses broken bonds may compound this. International Marriage Would you marry someone of another nationality?